Blow the doors off this thing!

What am I really supposed to do? Should I scream at the top of my lungs like a wild, raging banshee? Maybe I should do just exactly as my emotions demand and throw my hands in the air, and yelp & cry with desperation at my overwhelming irritation and disgust! Certainly that's not the lady-like thing to do. Certainly a lady would never dream of acting in such a manner. I'll just smile politely as I portray a sense of deliberate calm and do my best to maintain peace with those who cause my irritation. What a mind blowing environment of inequality and judgment we live in, that a person can be so entrenched in their societal role, that they have ignored their "God-given" right to demand their own happiness and contentment! Is it right that a mother lose her sense of self to provide for the betterment of her children? Is it right for a woman to maintain calm and collected in times of stress, so her husband doesn't blow a fuse? Is it right for a person to do as they are told simply because they were told it was the right thing to do. Or.......do we have it all wrong? Perhaps the mother who lost her sense of self for her child, has lost her ability to give her child the best. Perhaps the woman maintaining her fake smile has robbed herself and her husband the chance to learn and grow. Maybe doing what we have been told isn't always the right thing to do? I don't know. Does anyone know? Will anyone ever know? What I DO know, is the choking feeling of words caught in my throat. I do know that there is only just so much space for storing all my pent up feelings. I have the option of finding a new place for some of my thoughts and feelings, or packing in more and more, until one day the door blows off and they all come flying out. But where is the resolution? For the love!......where is the resolution?

daddy issues

Some people cant hold back. Some people spew their every thought and feeling into the universe like free little birds. Other people bite their tongues; they hold it all inside, they cage it up. At some unbeknownced place in time, the word spewer I was morphed into something caged and embittered. My thoughts and emotions silently creep and poison my every move like a silent stalker. They pervade my sleep and hold hostage my peace. Like a slow moving sludge it devours my freedom and happiness from the inside out.
In each little moment of pain or uncertainty, its so easy to pretend that nothing is there. All the shadows from the corner of your eye; The muffled creek of the floorboards, and the unshakable feeling of eyes on your back. You might convince yourself there's nothing lurking, but deep down you know its there. What I failed to think of is the honest truth, that closing my eyes to the fear wont make the stalker dissapear. In my naivety, I lost touch with the reality that ignoring the clues will get my killed.
Maybe its innevitable to eventually face reality. Maybe we all have a built-in mechanism for survival that forces us to evaluate the things we hold so deep. Maybe not. Maybe some people stuff it down for so long that the ability to resolve and repair their life eventually dies. It feels like there is a will all its own, coming from someplace else altogether, that holds some of the control. Sometimes when I desperately believe I want to dive in and explore the truth, there is nothing. No movement of any kind, no clues, no nothing. Other times when one more weight on the scale will tip the balance, it pours from the heavens. It doesnt matter that I dont want to be ready for it, or that my whole way of being is thrown into chaos. It doesnt matter. It rips me from the comfort of denial and throws me cold and naked onto the stage.
Well...here I am! Naked on the stage! Everything I've got is right here, written all over my skin. But im here now, the scary part has already happened so what have I got to lose? I think I can handle it now. Im ready to own the stage. I want to be a word spewer again. I want to open my mouth and sing. Even if the audience hates me, the liberation of singing will make it all worth it. So is there a lesson? Maybe to let it be. To be open to the lessons and the emotions. Let life grab you by the shoulders and shake the shit out of you, because at least its out of the way and maybe it'll shake some sense into your life.

a change is gonna come

I can feel it in the air. Sometimes I get so lost in life, so far from the path, that even breathing feels wrong. But alas, some sacred inner voice, or eternal universal force guides me firmly back to my winding pathway. I celebrate that empowering feeling of the joyous reunion between my body and my soul! If only there were a way to really take it all in. To breath in the beauty of the world around me. To bathe in the contentment of love and shut everything else out, just for a minute. It's grasping for those tiny moments that guides me. What a spectacular journey this is that we are on! My heart know that change is coming close. Whatever it is that makes up our true essence knows. Its not our body, not our bones or our eyes; its something so much deeper, so much truer. All I can say I think I know for certain is that I've arrived at a place where I just know that I have to follow my heart and passions to get to the next place. I want to sing, and laugh; and I want to wiggle my toes in the sand. I want to do all the things that make me happy and set "me" free........and I'm going to!