daddy issues

Some people cant hold back. Some people spew their every thought and feeling into the universe like free little birds. Other people bite their tongues; they hold it all inside, they cage it up. At some unbeknownced place in time, the word spewer I was morphed into something caged and embittered. My thoughts and emotions silently creep and poison my every move like a silent stalker. They pervade my sleep and hold hostage my peace. Like a slow moving sludge it devours my freedom and happiness from the inside out.
In each little moment of pain or uncertainty, its so easy to pretend that nothing is there. All the shadows from the corner of your eye; The muffled creek of the floorboards, and the unshakable feeling of eyes on your back. You might convince yourself there's nothing lurking, but deep down you know its there. What I failed to think of is the honest truth, that closing my eyes to the fear wont make the stalker dissapear. In my naivety, I lost touch with the reality that ignoring the clues will get my killed.
Maybe its innevitable to eventually face reality. Maybe we all have a built-in mechanism for survival that forces us to evaluate the things we hold so deep. Maybe not. Maybe some people stuff it down for so long that the ability to resolve and repair their life eventually dies. It feels like there is a will all its own, coming from someplace else altogether, that holds some of the control. Sometimes when I desperately believe I want to dive in and explore the truth, there is nothing. No movement of any kind, no clues, no nothing. Other times when one more weight on the scale will tip the balance, it pours from the heavens. It doesnt matter that I dont want to be ready for it, or that my whole way of being is thrown into chaos. It doesnt matter. It rips me from the comfort of denial and throws me cold and naked onto the stage.
Well...here I am! Naked on the stage! Everything I've got is right here, written all over my skin. But im here now, the scary part has already happened so what have I got to lose? I think I can handle it now. Im ready to own the stage. I want to be a word spewer again. I want to open my mouth and sing. Even if the audience hates me, the liberation of singing will make it all worth it. So is there a lesson? Maybe to let it be. To be open to the lessons and the emotions. Let life grab you by the shoulders and shake the shit out of you, because at least its out of the way and maybe it'll shake some sense into your life.