Why Am I Doing This?

  For so long now, I have been longing for a change.  I'm not talking about a new job, a vacation or a fresh haircut.  I'm talking about the kind of thing that changes EVERYTHING.  I long for my facade to match the my soul.  I long to have meaning and relevance in the world and to inspire change.  I pray for the bravery and audacity to stake my claim in the world.  I yearn to gather my share of abundance and give back all that God has given me to share. 

My longing isn't the naive idea of a life of unending. blissful happiness.  It's a hopeful belief that my great potential is being drowned by fear, and learned behavior.  Should such an idea be true then we would all be capable of changing our circumstances and therefor our path by simply changing the way we respond to our surroundings.

My dear friend Jill has often posed to me a brilliant question. 
"What would you do if you had no fear, if fear was irrelevant?"
I ponder that question tonight as I contemplate where my path will take me.  What if we could take away all the things that immobilize us?  I can't shake the thought that there is a LOT more to life than this.  We can't possibly be meant for an existence of trudging through life fat, broke, depressed and unfulfilled.

After a year of losses, sadness and fear I never thought I could endure, I have realized one thing; that it's far scarier to cling to the edge in fear than it is to just let go and give in to your instincts.  My "terrible year" has given me the ability to see and feel again.  I'm setting a goal tonight to constantly ask myself  "Why am I doing this?".  and "What would I do if fear were irrelevant?"

-Shandra